Are there many ways to sing? I can't understand either Japanese popular songs, or rock, when I watch them on television. It seems so different from the family chorus that I sang in at my mother' home and the vocal method, Tomatis and a classical singing method that I learned at the music school that I have been studying at since last autumn. It is best to have the most comfortable singing experience with oneself, but I’m confused now.
My persistent pursuit of music began in fifth grade. My teacher, Ms. Fumiko Matsuzaki, was in charge of the upper-grades music classes.
The level of the music class at my elementary school was high. And we finished weekly the assembly with the drum and fife marching band.
This drum and fife band was made up of students of the sixth grade. However, I’ve felt regret when Mrs.Matuszaki selected members of the percussion instrument group.
"You are good!" Though I was praised by some of my classmates, and I was confident I would to be chosen, I was not. I wondered if she might have had some kind of unstated reason for not choosing me.
My homeroom teacher sympathized with me and prepared the post of the vice-leader. However, I still wanted to play an instrument with musical sounds no matter what.
I couldn’t say so, though, and on the day of the ceremony I ran a fever and had to be put in bed for the whole morning.
Anyway, from next week, I began to play a recorder as a member of the main group.
Although it seemed that others were trying to degrade and look down on me, I ignored them. My recorder was my only small anchor through that time of my life. I entrusted myself completely to my dream of melody and music!
After school there was a special class, the Shibuya-ward’s boy and girl’s wind instrument music school, for 3 or 4 specially chosen students at my school. The special class is open to fifth and sixth graders. I really wanted to participate, so in the sixth grade I applied by myself and was accepted.
The clear tone of the flute to hear through my hearing aid was comfortable in my ear, despite the effort of filtering not only noise but people’s voices which were louder than required.
After graduation from elementary school, I entered the private junior high school in Yokohama, and continued going to the music school, until I was second year at high school, one way nearly 2 hours.
There was a misunderstanding in my junior high school and high school, because I had difficulty hearing. Though I was in favor with the teacher of the music class, I was removed from the chorus just before a chorus festival of senior high school because of the prejudice of some of my classmates.
I acted as if I didn’t mind it too much, because I felt responsibility about myself “I cannot hear so well." But in fact, I was considerably hurt.
Afterwards, when it came time to enter university, I came to feel a kind of fear at the standard way of thinking which equates deafness with art school.
On one day while silently painting my art works, I thought "I won’t be able to do music any more…” and became discouraged about taking the entrance examination for a university of arts. The idea that I wanted to continue music became my motivation for escaping from the route for an examination for university of arts.
I always want to maintain my concern with "hearing”. Therefore, it was quite natural that I chose as the theme of my graduation thesis “music workshop and musical therapy” when I was a Women’s University student.
Playing music with hearing handicapped children for ten years was enough to heal those inner hurts which had come from various misunderstanding that I received doing music.
I’ll write about these activities again, but the knowledge of music and the musical therapy that I learned through my graduation thesis opened a new way on a life trip with music. Even now I study vocal music, and through my study I hope to newly discover my own special music center within.
As a substitute for sleeping pills when my insomnia was terrible, I sang songs from my elementary school music textbook and "Catholic hymns" (Komei-sha). But I recently I have realized that the human body seems to change with age. I’ve gradually came to not sing when I stick to my former style.
The music is the same as a prayer. I sing again and again, and sing newly every day, dedicate new song for only that day. The temporary work of singing, because I don’t need to drag it out to the next day, gives me another kind of enjoyment, being different from drawing paintings.
Because I can hear only my own voice well and I can’t hear television and the music of CD’s too clearly, anyway, I keep singing out aloud by myself. Because I can never do mimicry, I sing in my original style. Frankly, I feel it is a little sad and lonely. But, anyway, because there is nothing to disturb or block it, I can soak myself in my own rich world of imagination.
"Music, music", somebody murmurs in the depths of my ears and my heart.
Would that be I, myself who was young when I lost my hearing ability on that far-off day?
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! 2012
